Let’s be real for a second. There’s nothing quite like the thrill of liking a guy who doesn’t like you back—or worse, liking a guy who only likes you when it’s convenient for him. You know, the type that disappears for days but somehow reels you back in with a half-hearted “Hey, you” text at 2 AM. The ones who give just enough attention to keep you hoping, but never enough to actually make you feel secure.
And yet, we still try to make them like us.
The Attraction to Toxicity
I’d love to say that I only go for emotionally available, respectful, and consistent men, but let’s not lie to ourselves here. There’s something about the bare-minimum energy, the mystery, and the unpredictability that keeps me intrigued—no matter how many times I swear I’m done.
Maybe it’s the idea that if I just do one more thing, say one more flirty joke, or play the game just right, he’ll suddenly realize, “Oh wow, she’s the one.” Spoiler: he won’t. But will I still attempt to crack the code? Absolutely.
The Chase: The High of "Winning"
I used to absolutely love the chase. It was like a game, and I wanted to be the one to prove that this man needed me—in some way, shape, or form. It was almost like if I could make him want me, it would prove that I was worth his effort. I would put on this persona, this “version” of myself, that I thought would captivate him. I’d keep him on the hook, making him think he was chasing something elusive, and in the end, I wanted to feel like I had won.
But once I had him where I wanted him—if I actually got him—I’d feel this gross, uneasy feeling. Suddenly, his interest seemed like nothing more than the image I had put on for him. I would convince myself that if he liked me, he didn’t really like me—he liked the idea of me, the version I created to keep him chasing.
And then came the classic—I got bored. The novelty wore off, and I was no longer interested in the guy who had put in effort to get me, because I wanted the next challenge. I needed to find the guy who was just as hard to get. I thought, "Once I find the guy who likes me for me, that’s it. That’s what I need.” But when I looked at where I was looking? I was never going to find it.
The Cycle of Recycling and Settling for the Easy Option
I found it easier to just recycle men, to go back to the ones I knew weren’t good for me because it was comfortable, it was familiar, and it didn’t require me to actually change or grow. I could go back to someone who played the game the way I knew how, who didn’t challenge me to dig deeper or confront my own issues.
But the older I’ve gotten, the more I’ve realized that easier doesn’t mean better. Staying in that cycle doesn’t bring fulfillment—it just brings temporary relief. There’s a sense of comfort in the chaos, but it’s not real. It doesn’t allow me to actually grow or have the kind of relationship that’s truly mutual and healthy.
It’s taken time, but I’ve realized that true love isn’t a game. It’s not about winning, proving something to myself, or making someone chase me to validate my worth. It’s about being seen for who I really am—without the games, without the masks, and without the toxic pull. Easier doesn’t always lead to happiness—sometimes, it’s the hard choices and letting go of old habits that lead to something real.
The Delusion We Tell Ourselves
Here’s what my brain convinces me when I’m talking to a guy who clearly doesn’t like me as much as I like him:
“He’s just bad at texting.”
“He’s emotionally unavailable because he’s been hurt before.”
“He does like me, he just doesn’t know it yet.”
“He’s probably just busy.” (But somehow, he has time for every other girl he flirts with.)
But deep down, the truth is painfully simple:
If he wanted to, he would. If he actually liked me, I wouldn’t be sitting here wondering. I wouldn’t have to play mind games with myself, convincing myself that it’s something other than what it is.
Babes, if he’s not texting you, he’s not wanting to talk to you. If he’s not trying to hang out with you and your friends, he’s not thinking of you as something remotely serious. Let’s be real—most of the time, your friends are a reflection of who you really are and what you’re willing to tolerate. Any man who actually likes you will want to be around the people who make you, you.
If he doesn’t give you his number and just gives you his Snapchat, it’s not because it’s more convenient—it’s because if he doesn’t want to pursue you, he literally never has to add you back.
Any man who wants to see you will make time to see you. I’ve literally had a guy my freshman year hunt me down at one of my friend’s apartments just to see me. He walked two miles and up a huge muddy hill just to find us. That’s effort.
If you see him flirting with another girl at the bar and think he’s just trying to make you jealous? Baby, get a grip. He’s literally not that into you and is just looking for his next adventure.
Finally, if he starts talking to you less than usual, he’s not just busy—he’s talking to someone else. One of my favorite sayings that goes perfectly with this is:
“If the water’s hot, and all of a sudden it turns cold, someone else is using the water.”
I’m not actually talking about water, if you know what I mean.
The Games We Play
Now, instead of accepting that he's just not that into us, what do we do? Oh, we double down. We try harder.
We send the perfectly crafted response that's flirty, effortless, and makes us seem just unattainable enough to keep his interest. We post an elite Instagram story, making sure we look unbothered, hot, and most importantly—like we’re having fun without him. We pretend not to care, even though we have a group chat dedicated to analyzing every text he sends.
And for what? For a guy who texts once every three business days and would rather be hit by a bus than commit to anything? Make it make sense.
If a man doesn’t want to commit to you today, he’s not going to want to commit to you tomorrow. Men don’t care. If they don’t like you, they don’t see your Instagram stories or Snapchat stories and think, “Oh, I need her.” They don’t think at all. They just go about their day like normal.
Have fun for yourselves, not to make him jealous. Because, trust me, everyone can tell what real fun looks like and what fake fun looks like. And it’s embarrassing when you get called out for it. You don’t want to be the girl faking happiness just to get his attention—because if you're only doing it to prove something, it’s going to backfire, big time.
If you care, you care. Don’t try to hide it, because that’s when you’ll experience the worst 3 AM crash out of your life. You’ll spill your guts to anyone who will listen, or worse, to him. And if he’s not into you—I promise, he’s not going to care.
That three-paragraph masterpiece you wrote in your notes app using Grammarly? It won’t matter. He’ll open it, read it, and if you’re lucky, leave you on read. Why? Because you were probably acting batshit crazy, and we’re better off letting go than pouring your heart out to someone who doesn’t deserve it.
The Moment You Realize You’re Wasting Your Time
Eventually, there comes a point where you can’t keep lying to yourself. Maybe it’s when you see him giving another girl the effort you’ve been begging for. Maybe it’s when you realize you’ve spent more time analyzing his texts than actually talking to him. Maybe it’s when you send something flirty and he hits you with a simple "lol."
And in that moment, you get hit with the cold, hard truth: You were never going to win him over, because he was never emotionally available to begin with.
You have to realize this is not your fault. This is not his fault, unless he was actively leading you on—which is a whole nother blog post. But sometimes, the worst realization isn’t that he didn’t like you back, but that you liked him for what you made him up to be in your head. You created this fantasy version of him, gave him all of these great qualities he never had, and saw him for what you wanted him to be instead of who he actually was.
In reality? He’s a retired frat boy who hits the gym every day, lives off his parents' money, and cares way too much about his appearance in front of his friends and the world. The truth is, he’s the type who needs a Bama baddie on his arm just to feel validated. And, let’s face it—with his looks, that future’s not looking too bright for him.
So, yes—the hardest part is realizing that you were chasing a fantasy instead of someone who actually deserved your time, energy, and attention. It’s about acknowledging that the version of him you were after didn’t exist—and honestly? You’re better off without him.
Breaking the Cycle
So, what do we do? Block him? Move on? (Ideally, yes.) But if we’re being honest, it’s never that simple.
Liking a toxic guy isn’t just about the guy—it’s about the chase. It’s about proving yourself, proving that you’re the exception, proving that you’re different. But at some point, we have to ask ourselves:
Do I really want to convince someone to like me?
Do I really want to be with someone who makes me question my worth?
Would I ever treat someone the way he treats me?
The answer is obvious: We deserve better. And deep down, we know it.
But will that stop me from answering his text after he ghosts me for a week? Stay tuned.
The Games We Play Together
We have to stop playing the games long enough to realize that by us playing them, it also makes the guy play them. At that point, aren’t we just as bad as the guys who are being toxic to us? We’re just continuing the cycle of miscommunication, frustration, and emotional back-and-forth. It becomes a toxic game for both sides, and eventually, no one wins.
On the other hand, I truly don’t believe we should have to convince anyone to like us. It should just come naturally. You should never have to question your worth to someone when you could be worth everything to someone else—someone who actually sees and appreciates you for who you are, not the version they’ve imagined you to be.
Think About the Ones Who Look Up to You
Finally, think of your younger self, a younger sibling, or someone else who looks up to you. Ask yourself: If I were them, would I want them to go through this? Would I want them to feel like this, to be caught in this cycle? If you think to yourself, I hope they never have to feel this way, or I hope they never hear about what’s happening to me right now, then it’s time to take a step back and ask: Is this really worth it?
It’s embarrassing, and it’s hard to admit—but sometimes, it’s better to just cut your losses and move on. Personally, I’ve let down my younger self, my sister, and my peers before, and let me tell you—it doesn’t feel good. It’s not worth it.
Let’s stop settling for half-effort from someone who isn’t worth our time. We deserve more than this—we deserve someone who chooses us, without the games, without the drama.
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